The Brain

As I mentioned before I am now a victim of TTB. This condition leaves me stumbling into the night at 3 am or 5am to the bathroom. I try to not open my eyes. I shimmy past the dogs on the bedroom floor and I carefully step out of the bedroom* and fall into the bathroom. Futureman usually finds me and comes over for some love, trying to convince me that it's time for his breakfast.

I get back into bed, all warm and snuggly, sleepy, and generally pissed that I had to get up in the first place. I have NEVER had to get up in the middle of the night to pee. It sucks. What stinks even more is The Brain. The Brain decides that We Are Up and We must think and think and think. Thinking falls way to worry. Worry makes room for Paranoia. The cramps I feel. Are they normal? What if the dogs try to eat the baby? What happens if it decides not to stick around? Where are we going to put it? Jobs. Money. Moving. The house? Who will buy it? Do I really have to work for the next 9 months? I clearly have many many things to worry about. Most are unfounded. Many are silly. But, at 3 am in the morning, they keep. me. up. For hours. I spend the next day stumbling through the day tired and exhausted and feeling a bit embarrassed that I actually thought the dogs would try to eat a baby.

I did end up calling the Doctor about the cramps. They keep changing. It's hard to know what is normal. They, being good practitioners, brought me in and reassured me that I was progressing normally. We are at 9 weeks, there is a long way to go and I think I need to resolve to rely a bit more on faith. This is understand. But all of this is new. I don't know what all of the twinges and cramps and weird things going on are and whether they are bad. I know that my worry does not do any good. But, worry is irrational and rational arguments against it don't really work.


* I say carefully because, one morning last week, Rob found a dead mouse outside of our bedroom door. The cats had been stalking it for a while and in their true and faithful way of taking care of their family they played with it until it died and then brought it to our doorstep. I am so glad I didn't step on it...I didn't even see it!